Someone asked me today "Why?" It was made in a half humorous way, but it's the kind of question I like. Gives you room to think. Gives you a chance at creativity. Gives the brain a workout, while it comes up with an answer that you can roll over in your mind and shape like clay.
The answer I gave was; "Why is an interesting question. And an important one. In fact, it's a question so important that we decided to give it's own letter in the alphabet. A list of sounds that make up our everyday speech, and the question 'Why?' is one of them. So it must be a very important question."
At the time, I gave it as sort of a smart-ass answer. Just give an answer to the question, then just run with the answer. Try it sometime, it's fun. Sort of like freestyle, I guess. Anyways, the question came back when I read something using "u" instead of "you". Amazing thing language. We, as a culture, decide what ideas and things are important enough to merit their own names. The idea of the alphabet being a hall of fame for words give me a smile, but can fall a bit flat. U are so important that I need every child to learn how to say it. To be is the question, but are B's and the honey making skills that important? Auditory stimulus is apparently secondary to the I's ability to C. And we all know how important getting rid of liquid waste is. R u following what I am sayin'?
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
4'33"
The fears that I have are my greatest motivator. It's simple,
really. I am afraid I am going to die alone, stuck in the house I was
born in. I am afraid that my growth as person will be limited to the
world seen through a 17" glowing screen. I'm terrified my stories of
glory will be about the epic raids on a digital world. And the idea of
living vicariously through the written words of dead men is an idea that
wakes me up in the middle of the night.
So I convince myself life is boring and it needs excitement. So instead of finding something that gives me stability, I find some way to change myself. I learn math, french, and science. I drink because I feel that a life of meditation and purity is a wasted existence. Why? Because how can I reflect on life if I haven't lived life and tried everything?
On the other hand, I spend a bit of time meditating. Meditating only allows reflection. Problems are put under new light, where answers can be seen. But new questions and problems surface. TV, and comedy, makes the problems disappear temporarily. What I'm saying is I spend more time watching TV than meditating. Escape is just more important than reflection.
I don't know what the point of this is. All I'm doing is whispering my fears into the void. And I'm not even doing that very well. So what is fear? What should we have to fear?
Heights is exhilarating. Death is a finale, a note that is worth going out on to see what lies beyond. Fear is what keeps us at night. Fear of a death, not of death, is what scares me. A death without meaning. A death where nothing gets done, and it's an empty death where you choke on your own tongue, alone. And that is the death of your physical self. The hope is to leave behind something worth remembering, a person that people can talk about. Otherwise, the memory of you will fade, and you will die again. This time forever, because no one even knows you existed.
These are fears that can keep me awake. Not clowns. Not crowds. Just the idea that I will never, ever get to experience it all. Life is too damn short, and there is not enough time. How can one person live the life of stability, while constantly jumping from one adventure to the next? Where does love fit in a life of travel? How the fuck can people just stop?
As you lie in your bed tonight, listen to John Cage's 4'33". Really listen to it, and let it take you places. You will hear sounds, different sounds, even beautiful sounds and your mind begin a small spin. Think about motivation, and fear. Think about love, maybe. Think about life. How the stark, dark contrasts of those miserable moments can create a world that appeals to the senses when combined with bright memories of the past. And sit and enjoy the silence.
So I convince myself life is boring and it needs excitement. So instead of finding something that gives me stability, I find some way to change myself. I learn math, french, and science. I drink because I feel that a life of meditation and purity is a wasted existence. Why? Because how can I reflect on life if I haven't lived life and tried everything?
On the other hand, I spend a bit of time meditating. Meditating only allows reflection. Problems are put under new light, where answers can be seen. But new questions and problems surface. TV, and comedy, makes the problems disappear temporarily. What I'm saying is I spend more time watching TV than meditating. Escape is just more important than reflection.
I don't know what the point of this is. All I'm doing is whispering my fears into the void. And I'm not even doing that very well. So what is fear? What should we have to fear?
Heights is exhilarating. Death is a finale, a note that is worth going out on to see what lies beyond. Fear is what keeps us at night. Fear of a death, not of death, is what scares me. A death without meaning. A death where nothing gets done, and it's an empty death where you choke on your own tongue, alone. And that is the death of your physical self. The hope is to leave behind something worth remembering, a person that people can talk about. Otherwise, the memory of you will fade, and you will die again. This time forever, because no one even knows you existed.
These are fears that can keep me awake. Not clowns. Not crowds. Just the idea that I will never, ever get to experience it all. Life is too damn short, and there is not enough time. How can one person live the life of stability, while constantly jumping from one adventure to the next? Where does love fit in a life of travel? How the fuck can people just stop?
As you lie in your bed tonight, listen to John Cage's 4'33". Really listen to it, and let it take you places. You will hear sounds, different sounds, even beautiful sounds and your mind begin a small spin. Think about motivation, and fear. Think about love, maybe. Think about life. How the stark, dark contrasts of those miserable moments can create a world that appeals to the senses when combined with bright memories of the past. And sit and enjoy the silence.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
My Second IWSG.
Today I'm weaving a security blanket of words to help with my insecurities! That's right, it's time for Aristotle's seceond insecure writers support group.
The first thing I'll write about is this quote by English logician and philosopher, Bertrand Russell - "Aristotle could have avoided the mistake of thinking that women have fewer teeth than men, by the simple device of asking Mrs. Aristotle to keep her mouth open while he counted." There. That's Aristotle's Mistake. Just saved you the trouble of looking it up.
Writing has gotten harder recently. I keep saying it's due to a change in schedule, but there is always time. I'm not less interested in it, or in learning and and reading. It's just recently it's gotten harder to start the writing and see it through to the end.
Part of it does seem to be due to changes. I'm not working outside anymore, therefore I keep myself in. I stopped drinking coffee for a few days because I've been drinking more. Routines that kept me in check have begun to break down. Why have they begun to break down? Again, I feel like it's because of change.
Writer's block affects me more. Instead of being forced to deal with an idea that just keeps getting played over and over again in my head until I get up to walk it off, I find myself sitting here staring at the screen. When I'm writing about insecurities, I can type. The problem is that my thoughts only go as far as the current word. This is a method that works well for writing about emotions, but it doesn't work as much for times when I want to write about stuff like physics. I keep drifting off from my work.
I dropped the routine because I had to many distractions. Before the change in job and change in location, I had a place to sit, drink coffee, and work with no distractions. So the first step in picking a new routine is not to pick a new day, but instead to find a new place to work undistracted for a few hours. Library might win the competition.
The fact is, the routines help tremendously. By simply planning things out in advance, it allows me time to think and work on other things.
This is a strange post. It's really me sitting here and working out my problems. Hello to all of those visiting from Alex's blog. You've been wonderful and I hope to see you again next month.
The first thing I'll write about is this quote by English logician and philosopher, Bertrand Russell - "Aristotle could have avoided the mistake of thinking that women have fewer teeth than men, by the simple device of asking Mrs. Aristotle to keep her mouth open while he counted." There. That's Aristotle's Mistake. Just saved you the trouble of looking it up.
Writing has gotten harder recently. I keep saying it's due to a change in schedule, but there is always time. I'm not less interested in it, or in learning and and reading. It's just recently it's gotten harder to start the writing and see it through to the end.
Part of it does seem to be due to changes. I'm not working outside anymore, therefore I keep myself in. I stopped drinking coffee for a few days because I've been drinking more. Routines that kept me in check have begun to break down. Why have they begun to break down? Again, I feel like it's because of change.
Writer's block affects me more. Instead of being forced to deal with an idea that just keeps getting played over and over again in my head until I get up to walk it off, I find myself sitting here staring at the screen. When I'm writing about insecurities, I can type. The problem is that my thoughts only go as far as the current word. This is a method that works well for writing about emotions, but it doesn't work as much for times when I want to write about stuff like physics. I keep drifting off from my work.
I dropped the routine because I had to many distractions. Before the change in job and change in location, I had a place to sit, drink coffee, and work with no distractions. So the first step in picking a new routine is not to pick a new day, but instead to find a new place to work undistracted for a few hours. Library might win the competition.
The fact is, the routines help tremendously. By simply planning things out in advance, it allows me time to think and work on other things.
This is a strange post. It's really me sitting here and working out my problems. Hello to all of those visiting from Alex's blog. You've been wonderful and I hope to see you again next month.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Just another post
I've been wanting to try my hand at writing a romantic story for a couple of weeks now. The time isn't right at the moment, mostly because my writing style doesn't allow for a love story of the traditional kind at the moment. I'm long-winded, self-centred, and have a slight obsession with math. Not so sure if that's a spark for romance.
Instead of actually writing the damn thing, I mostly just roll ideas around in my head. They're all based on memories and people I knew and the immortal beings they've become. Sometimes, I think the story should be based on the more innocent moments, like the story of the two young people smoking cigarettes in a tree. That story is hard to write, because in reality it was a bright light before what turned out to be a pretty dark winter.
So then my thoughts turn away from each and every memory that thought brings. Instead, I think about writing a story about two people who keep finding themselves together time after time. I see old friends who go through this, and have been going through it since high school. Hell, it seems like I have a couple old flames that I would like to see turn into a bonfire. The story has been told many times, and each time it can capture our hearts. Maybe because it's familiar to us. Maybe because we hope to see that stuff work. Or maybe it's just a lie told to comfort us young-uns. You know, those of us who are starting to develop cynicism in small doses while still trying to hold on to our optimism.
I've always been fascinated with time. In one of the earliest versions of this story I played around with the idea of a super hero who learn to bend and manipulate time based on the strength he gets from a woman. This was years ago I played with idea, but the character keeps coming back. You see, they meet while he lived in the mountains. And the power he felt from her drew him to her. He uses this power to preform herculean tasks, and he only grew stronger when she was around. For a brief time, the two of them separate, and he becomes weaker, and weaker. Finally, they meet again and he is able to use the last of his strength to push away the demon that was plaguing her. I scraped it. Quite honestly, didn't sound that great.
Do you have to be in love to write a love song? If you do, then every musician, poet, and author ever has been in love multiple times. Love has lost its value. If it's something that be found at the drop of a hat, then what is it worth? Seeing how a vaguely worded, super clichéd summer jam can make millionaires out of a lot of people, apparently the idea alone is worth more than I can imagine.
The memories comfort me though, no matter how cynical I get. Maybe I can add to this genre with ideas that roll and gather no moss. Meh. The ideas kinda fizzle, and none of them accumulate into anything interesting any-ways.
That's it for todays thought spoken into the void by the late night insomniac. I hope your dreams keep you happy.
Instead of actually writing the damn thing, I mostly just roll ideas around in my head. They're all based on memories and people I knew and the immortal beings they've become. Sometimes, I think the story should be based on the more innocent moments, like the story of the two young people smoking cigarettes in a tree. That story is hard to write, because in reality it was a bright light before what turned out to be a pretty dark winter.
So then my thoughts turn away from each and every memory that thought brings. Instead, I think about writing a story about two people who keep finding themselves together time after time. I see old friends who go through this, and have been going through it since high school. Hell, it seems like I have a couple old flames that I would like to see turn into a bonfire. The story has been told many times, and each time it can capture our hearts. Maybe because it's familiar to us. Maybe because we hope to see that stuff work. Or maybe it's just a lie told to comfort us young-uns. You know, those of us who are starting to develop cynicism in small doses while still trying to hold on to our optimism.
I've always been fascinated with time. In one of the earliest versions of this story I played around with the idea of a super hero who learn to bend and manipulate time based on the strength he gets from a woman. This was years ago I played with idea, but the character keeps coming back. You see, they meet while he lived in the mountains. And the power he felt from her drew him to her. He uses this power to preform herculean tasks, and he only grew stronger when she was around. For a brief time, the two of them separate, and he becomes weaker, and weaker. Finally, they meet again and he is able to use the last of his strength to push away the demon that was plaguing her. I scraped it. Quite honestly, didn't sound that great.
Do you have to be in love to write a love song? If you do, then every musician, poet, and author ever has been in love multiple times. Love has lost its value. If it's something that be found at the drop of a hat, then what is it worth? Seeing how a vaguely worded, super clichéd summer jam can make millionaires out of a lot of people, apparently the idea alone is worth more than I can imagine.
The memories comfort me though, no matter how cynical I get. Maybe I can add to this genre with ideas that roll and gather no moss. Meh. The ideas kinda fizzle, and none of them accumulate into anything interesting any-ways.
That's it for todays thought spoken into the void by the late night insomniac. I hope your dreams keep you happy.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Questions of Complexity
Today's been a good day. How about yours? Quite honestly, sometimes when your in the middle of your day and it seems like crap, you come home and listen to something soothing, all of it seems trivial. They tell me that the soothing sounds of the ocean is better than the best opiates.
I'm sitting here and working on my "Maxwell's Equations" post, but this is going to take some extra time. As it turns out, I never made it to vector calculus. Euclid's fifth postulate and the problems that face it just barely escape me. That's why I read about this stuff though. I just keep on getting better.
Before I go on, I'm going to link this playlist here. I don't want to lose this. Now moving on.
For the last three years, I've been a farm hand. It's in the exciting world of organic farming. The thing that gets me is, I've had people argue that we need to get back to the roots, or something called natural farming. There is another movement called bio-dynamics that bugs me because the more I try to understand it, the less sense it makes to me.
The thing about all these that bothers me is they don't treat agriculture as a science. The most appealing thing about farming is looking at everything and watching it work. It's not magic, it's a machine. Many people object to that term, so let me explain. A machine is not a soul-less, uncaring, unfeeling hunk of metal. It's complex, governed by laws that we seek to understand. I like to use the analogy of a car engine, but sadly I find that example lost on some people.
I've heard the term "fragile ecosystem" used to describe the earth, so let us try and start there. The term is used to talk about how hunting creatures to extinction or cutting down forests will lead to changes in global climates. This is the machine I'm talking about. Each creature acts as a gear or a cog in it's given ecosystem. If you remove the gear, or change how the gear works, or even add one, it will change the machine as a whole. Of course, the world is a wondrous place, helped in part by the complexity of the machine. We stand back and watch this machine work, and we are taken aback by the fact that we cannot begin to fathom just how each part works. We see connections here and there, but the complexity is lost on us. And as Arthur C. Clarke put it "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
What does this have to do with farming? Well, the first time someone described bio-dynamics to me, I thought they were talking about creating an ecosystem on a small scale. Or a small, organic machine. This appeals to the side of me that is obsessed with science, logic, and math. The idea of creating you're own carefully balanced machine that can provide you with food! People familiar with bio-dynamics understand that it goes so much more than miniature ecosystems. And when I found about the mysticism that went with it, I was very disappointed.
I'm working with fungus at the moment, so I get a chance to learn about the workings of fungus and how they can apply to an ecosystem. It does more than decompose things. Fungus inhales oxygen and exhales CO2. There are specific types of fungus that grow on specific types of root systems. It's said that spores lead to rain in the rain forest. And these factors work together in an ecosystem to create healthy soil, healthy plants, and healthy animals.
Farms, and forests, are complex in how each small factor works with each other. And they are chaotic in that the factors that are most important to the success of the farm, are the things that are the most unpredictable. Sure, things like the weather can be broken down into a series of equations, but in the end the answer comes down to probability. This probability is what keeps it going though. Tonight, I find myself lying here and pulling apart ecosystems in my mind. And the question keeps coming back around, how do you apply the chaotic complexity of the natural world into the structure world man has created?
There are ideas put out in the ag world right now that seem new, but can be observed in the forest. Trees in a deciduous mulch themselves. It's wild. They help provide the nutrients that they need. And they help kill the weeds that would keep their offspring from coming up. But without the supporting players in the form of the stuff living in the sub-soil, they would be sick all the time. Can these ideas be applied to a farm? Can a small scale ecosystem be created? And would it create healthy plants and animals? At the very least, this is something that should be done just so we can further understand how ecosystems work.
I'm sitting here and working on my "Maxwell's Equations" post, but this is going to take some extra time. As it turns out, I never made it to vector calculus. Euclid's fifth postulate and the problems that face it just barely escape me. That's why I read about this stuff though. I just keep on getting better.
Before I go on, I'm going to link this playlist here. I don't want to lose this. Now moving on.
For the last three years, I've been a farm hand. It's in the exciting world of organic farming. The thing that gets me is, I've had people argue that we need to get back to the roots, or something called natural farming. There is another movement called bio-dynamics that bugs me because the more I try to understand it, the less sense it makes to me.
The thing about all these that bothers me is they don't treat agriculture as a science. The most appealing thing about farming is looking at everything and watching it work. It's not magic, it's a machine. Many people object to that term, so let me explain. A machine is not a soul-less, uncaring, unfeeling hunk of metal. It's complex, governed by laws that we seek to understand. I like to use the analogy of a car engine, but sadly I find that example lost on some people.
I've heard the term "fragile ecosystem" used to describe the earth, so let us try and start there. The term is used to talk about how hunting creatures to extinction or cutting down forests will lead to changes in global climates. This is the machine I'm talking about. Each creature acts as a gear or a cog in it's given ecosystem. If you remove the gear, or change how the gear works, or even add one, it will change the machine as a whole. Of course, the world is a wondrous place, helped in part by the complexity of the machine. We stand back and watch this machine work, and we are taken aback by the fact that we cannot begin to fathom just how each part works. We see connections here and there, but the complexity is lost on us. And as Arthur C. Clarke put it "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
What does this have to do with farming? Well, the first time someone described bio-dynamics to me, I thought they were talking about creating an ecosystem on a small scale. Or a small, organic machine. This appeals to the side of me that is obsessed with science, logic, and math. The idea of creating you're own carefully balanced machine that can provide you with food! People familiar with bio-dynamics understand that it goes so much more than miniature ecosystems. And when I found about the mysticism that went with it, I was very disappointed.
I'm working with fungus at the moment, so I get a chance to learn about the workings of fungus and how they can apply to an ecosystem. It does more than decompose things. Fungus inhales oxygen and exhales CO2. There are specific types of fungus that grow on specific types of root systems. It's said that spores lead to rain in the rain forest. And these factors work together in an ecosystem to create healthy soil, healthy plants, and healthy animals.
Farms, and forests, are complex in how each small factor works with each other. And they are chaotic in that the factors that are most important to the success of the farm, are the things that are the most unpredictable. Sure, things like the weather can be broken down into a series of equations, but in the end the answer comes down to probability. This probability is what keeps it going though. Tonight, I find myself lying here and pulling apart ecosystems in my mind. And the question keeps coming back around, how do you apply the chaotic complexity of the natural world into the structure world man has created?
There are ideas put out in the ag world right now that seem new, but can be observed in the forest. Trees in a deciduous mulch themselves. It's wild. They help provide the nutrients that they need. And they help kill the weeds that would keep their offspring from coming up. But without the supporting players in the form of the stuff living in the sub-soil, they would be sick all the time. Can these ideas be applied to a farm? Can a small scale ecosystem be created? And would it create healthy plants and animals? At the very least, this is something that should be done just so we can further understand how ecosystems work.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Opitiks
Sometimes, I sit and stare at this blank screen while thoughts drift by with no real mass. The best I can do at times like these is to try and snag them. Today, however, I have too much I want to write about. It's all philosophy, math and science, and it's all heaped into a pile in the middle of my mind. It doesn't do anything there; it needs to be organized into boxes where I can access them.
My mind has been on telescopes and the world of optics recently. I started building a mirror for a telescope last winter and now as the nights grow colder and the night sky grows clearer, I keep thinking about finishing that mirror. I've been working on thermodynamics for the past five months or so, now I want to start focusing on other things smaller than the naked eye.
I've gotten to a point were I am realizing that there is only great moments in science. Growing up I heard about Albert Einstein and how great he was. Right now, it seems Nikola Tesla is in the center of hero worship spotlight. As Issac Newton once said "If I have seen further, it is because I am standing on the shoulders of giants." Everyone has their ideas based in the ideas of the people that came before them. Last spring, I read "Optiks" by Sir Issac Newton. It's a nice, simple introduction to optics. It's basic if you know geometry. Tonight, I'm reading through articles trying to find something explaining James Maxwell's fish-eye lens, which was conceived of 200 years after optics. Apparently, a lot of new insight into optics was happening around this time. People were still using the basics laid out by Newton, but were adding onto it with their own equations.
This is a common theme in the world of science. People don't just memorize someone else's equation, they use it to solve problems and create new questions of their own. The more I read about Maxwell, the more he intrigues me. He came up with theories and discoveries that influenced the next few hundred years of science. Electromagnetism, thermodynamics, optics, and he even discovered the particles in the rings of Saturn. But, without the people who came latter, he would have been nothing.
Wow, I'm really losing focus as I'm reading this article. Theoretical math and physics is hands down the coolest sci-fi I have ever read. I'm going to wrap this up. I'm going to start reading more about electromagnets and optics. Electromagnets still deal with energy, so it really is just the next step for me. Optics, though. Optics is really fucking cool. Optics deals with light and how light travels and bends to create images for our brain. And reading about it just made sure that I'm about to spend the next couple of days thinking about it.
My mind has been on telescopes and the world of optics recently. I started building a mirror for a telescope last winter and now as the nights grow colder and the night sky grows clearer, I keep thinking about finishing that mirror. I've been working on thermodynamics for the past five months or so, now I want to start focusing on other things smaller than the naked eye.
I've gotten to a point were I am realizing that there is only great moments in science. Growing up I heard about Albert Einstein and how great he was. Right now, it seems Nikola Tesla is in the center of hero worship spotlight. As Issac Newton once said "If I have seen further, it is because I am standing on the shoulders of giants." Everyone has their ideas based in the ideas of the people that came before them. Last spring, I read "Optiks" by Sir Issac Newton. It's a nice, simple introduction to optics. It's basic if you know geometry. Tonight, I'm reading through articles trying to find something explaining James Maxwell's fish-eye lens, which was conceived of 200 years after optics. Apparently, a lot of new insight into optics was happening around this time. People were still using the basics laid out by Newton, but were adding onto it with their own equations.
This is a common theme in the world of science. People don't just memorize someone else's equation, they use it to solve problems and create new questions of their own. The more I read about Maxwell, the more he intrigues me. He came up with theories and discoveries that influenced the next few hundred years of science. Electromagnetism, thermodynamics, optics, and he even discovered the particles in the rings of Saturn. But, without the people who came latter, he would have been nothing.
Wow, I'm really losing focus as I'm reading this article. Theoretical math and physics is hands down the coolest sci-fi I have ever read. I'm going to wrap this up. I'm going to start reading more about electromagnets and optics. Electromagnets still deal with energy, so it really is just the next step for me. Optics, though. Optics is really fucking cool. Optics deals with light and how light travels and bends to create images for our brain. And reading about it just made sure that I'm about to spend the next couple of days thinking about it.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Insecure Writers support group
Here I am, putting insecurities out there.
I've been trying to pick out an insecurity for my first Insecure Writer post. The question "Am I good enough?" has been plaguing my mind a lot, but that seems to be a question that bothers most new writers. This question seeps into other areas of my life and writing though. I have a high school degree, and I write about physics. In this area I use the question to push myself to read as many textbooks, lectures, and essays I can on the subject. This question drives me to find people who are also interested and can share knowledge. This question brought me here, to see If I could prove myself in front of the largest one way mirror known to man. It's strange, this Internet; You can see me, I can see a reflection of me, but I can't see you.
I'm writing this on a Tuesday night, the night usually held for my studies on thermodynamics. The reason why I'm not is the next of my insecurities. Focus. After being diagnosed with Adult ADHD, I have had to develop rituals and patterns to help get things done. Is trying to cope with this count? I know it seems like a major hurtle for writing, jobs or a lot of things. Ugh. Again, it seems like I all can do is push through it keep learning to cope with it or use it to my advantage.
I wish I was smart. I read like crazy because I feel frustrated that I don't know everything there is to know. The problems rise when I try to test somethings out in the real world. Sometimes they are mechanical things, test I perform to study physical principles in the real world. Sometimes I feel compelled to test psychological principles in the real world. Don't feel too scared, I only try them when people put me in sales positions. Stuff like this makes me wonder about myself.
Yeah, I'm nothing but one big insecurity over here. Isn't that what attracts me to writing though? I get to show this side of myself for a change. In the job world, if I crack and lose my confidence, I slip and fall and lose a good position to someone else. Or I lose my job to lack of control on my part. In the relationship world, having confidence is seen to be attractive. Here in the void though, it's wonderful. Three people follow me. Do they read any of it? I don't care. Here, it seems like I can shout until I go horse. I'm IrishRedFox, a name and a picture. I am a shapeless idea.
This opening up thing? This thing where I lay here and just write about what bothers me? It bugs me. I'm scared that as a writer, I no good. As a thinker, I want to be better. And I'm not convinced these insecure moments make me better at either. There is no research, no experimenting happening. Maybe taking some time to force my eye inward will help me in long run. It's forcing me to write, after all.
I've been trying to pick out an insecurity for my first Insecure Writer post. The question "Am I good enough?" has been plaguing my mind a lot, but that seems to be a question that bothers most new writers. This question seeps into other areas of my life and writing though. I have a high school degree, and I write about physics. In this area I use the question to push myself to read as many textbooks, lectures, and essays I can on the subject. This question drives me to find people who are also interested and can share knowledge. This question brought me here, to see If I could prove myself in front of the largest one way mirror known to man. It's strange, this Internet; You can see me, I can see a reflection of me, but I can't see you.
I'm writing this on a Tuesday night, the night usually held for my studies on thermodynamics. The reason why I'm not is the next of my insecurities. Focus. After being diagnosed with Adult ADHD, I have had to develop rituals and patterns to help get things done. Is trying to cope with this count? I know it seems like a major hurtle for writing, jobs or a lot of things. Ugh. Again, it seems like I all can do is push through it keep learning to cope with it or use it to my advantage.
I wish I was smart. I read like crazy because I feel frustrated that I don't know everything there is to know. The problems rise when I try to test somethings out in the real world. Sometimes they are mechanical things, test I perform to study physical principles in the real world. Sometimes I feel compelled to test psychological principles in the real world. Don't feel too scared, I only try them when people put me in sales positions. Stuff like this makes me wonder about myself.
Yeah, I'm nothing but one big insecurity over here. Isn't that what attracts me to writing though? I get to show this side of myself for a change. In the job world, if I crack and lose my confidence, I slip and fall and lose a good position to someone else. Or I lose my job to lack of control on my part. In the relationship world, having confidence is seen to be attractive. Here in the void though, it's wonderful. Three people follow me. Do they read any of it? I don't care. Here, it seems like I can shout until I go horse. I'm IrishRedFox, a name and a picture. I am a shapeless idea.
This opening up thing? This thing where I lay here and just write about what bothers me? It bugs me. I'm scared that as a writer, I no good. As a thinker, I want to be better. And I'm not convinced these insecure moments make me better at either. There is no research, no experimenting happening. Maybe taking some time to force my eye inward will help me in long run. It's forcing me to write, after all.
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