Here I am, putting insecurities out there.
I've been trying to pick out an insecurity for my first Insecure Writer post. The question "Am I good enough?" has been plaguing my mind a lot, but that seems to be a question that bothers most new writers. This question seeps into other areas of my life and writing though. I have a high school degree, and I write about physics. In this area I use the question to push myself to read as many textbooks, lectures, and essays I can on the subject. This question drives me to find people who are also interested and can share knowledge. This question brought me here, to see If I could prove myself in front of the largest one way mirror known to man. It's strange, this Internet; You can see me, I can see a reflection of me, but I can't see you.
I'm writing this on a Tuesday night, the night usually held for my studies on thermodynamics. The reason why I'm not is the next of my insecurities. Focus. After being diagnosed with Adult ADHD, I have had to develop rituals and patterns to help get things done. Is trying to cope with this count? I know it seems like a major hurtle for writing, jobs or a lot of things. Ugh. Again, it seems like I all can do is push through it keep learning to cope with it or use it to my advantage.
I wish I was smart. I read like crazy because I feel frustrated that I don't know everything there is to know. The problems rise when I try to test somethings out in the real world. Sometimes they are mechanical things, test I perform to study physical principles in the real world. Sometimes I feel compelled to test psychological principles in the real world. Don't feel too scared, I only try them when people put me in sales positions. Stuff like this makes me wonder about myself.
Yeah, I'm nothing but one big insecurity over here. Isn't that what attracts me to writing though? I get to show this side of myself for a change. In the job world, if I crack and lose my confidence, I slip and fall and lose a good position to someone else. Or I lose my job to lack of control on my part. In the relationship world, having confidence is seen to be attractive. Here in the void though, it's wonderful. Three people follow me. Do they read any of it? I don't care. Here, it seems like I can shout until I go horse. I'm IrishRedFox, a name and a picture. I am a shapeless idea.
This opening up thing? This thing where I lay here and just write about what bothers me? It bugs me. I'm scared that as a writer, I no good. As a thinker, I want to be better. And I'm not convinced these insecure moments make me better at either. There is no research, no experimenting happening. Maybe taking some time to force my eye inward will help me in long run. It's forcing me to write, after all.