Tuesday, October 9, 2012


     The fears that I have are my greatest motivator.  It's simple, really.  I am afraid I am going to die alone, stuck in the house I was born in.  I am afraid that my growth as person will be limited to the world seen through a 17" glowing screen.  I'm terrified my stories of glory will be about the epic raids on a digital world.  And the idea of living vicariously through the written words of dead men is an idea that wakes me up in the middle of the night.
    So I convince myself life is boring and it needs excitement.  So instead of finding something that gives me stability, I find some way to change myself.  I learn math, french, and science.  I drink because I feel that a life of meditation and purity is a wasted existence.  Why?  Because how can I reflect on life if I haven't lived life and tried everything?
     On the other hand, I spend a bit of time meditating.  Meditating only allows reflection.  Problems are put under new light, where answers can be seen.  But new questions and problems surface.  TV, and comedy, makes the problems disappear temporarily.  What I'm saying is I spend more time watching TV than meditating.  Escape is just more important than reflection.
     I don't know what the point of this is.  All I'm doing is whispering my fears into the void.  And I'm not even doing that very well.  So what is fear?  What should we have to fear?
     Heights is exhilarating.  Death is a finale, a note that is worth going out on to see what lies beyond.  Fear is what keeps us at night.  Fear of a death, not of death, is what scares me.  A death without meaning.  A death where nothing gets done, and it's an empty death where you choke on your own tongue, alone.  And that is the death of your physical self.  The hope is to leave behind something worth remembering, a person that people can talk about.  Otherwise, the memory of you will fade, and you will die again.  This time forever, because no one even knows you existed.
     These are fears that can keep me awake.  Not clowns.  Not crowds.  Just the idea that I will never, ever get to experience it all.  Life is too damn short, and there is  not enough time.  How can one person live the life of stability, while constantly jumping from one adventure to the next?  Where does love fit in a life of travel?  How the fuck can people just stop?
     As you lie in your bed tonight, listen to John Cage's 4'33".  Really listen to it, and let it take you places.  You will hear sounds, different sounds, even beautiful sounds and your mind begin a small spin.  Think about motivation, and fear.  Think about love, maybe.  Think about life.  How the stark, dark contrasts of those miserable moments can create a world that appeals to the senses when combined with bright memories of the past.  And sit and enjoy the silence.


  1. I'll listen. And when you have time, catch this new song by Lana Dey Rey on youtube...